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Recurring Dreams pt. 1

Many a times, decidedly, I came upon the conclusion that "yeah, I have pretty much lived all fulfilling years" (regardless of my age, duh, I'm young and have a long way to go but again not much can be kept to the calendar with the raging pandemic cases). Now, with the onset of sweet dreaming summer (personally, I don't find the heat of summer sweet at all), I see my subconscious playing in front of me at night.

Coming from a person who says "I've made peace with my past", it sounds absurd when I dream of an insignificant soul who I had a fight with in my school life. The colours I see the devil incarnate in, aren't quite the happy pastel colours I consciously associate with my school life but colours enough to adorn a Gothic Lord of the 18th century CE. 

Being a Literature major, nothing is more embarrassing than following just a plain thought process with wrong interpretations clouding their mind. And even more fatal to one's ego is when that one error in itself becomes the reason why her friend is admitted to the university of her choice but not her. 

Yes, indeed it is happened with me. 

I interpreted a poem wrong in the entrance examination of the university of my choice whereas, this "friend" of mine got in even though our personal writings or essays were always at par till that point of time. It is pretty much a farce if I go around explaining what I did wrong because all in all, people end up evaluating students at a face value as to which college they are finally admitted to. 

I ended up in a good college myself but I can't help but keep reminding myself how a simple careless mistake can make me end up losing, in turn, it helps me drive forward regardless though. But I didn't know that somewhere in my subconscious, I was extremely upset by this incident and that every time I reminded myself to use it as a propulsion, in the end, I was only disturbing my inner peace with it.

This, for me, was an extremely, personal confession. Knowing people quite don't read it and no one knows so I wish to keep it safe. More like, the secret is right under your nose (out in public, yet anonymous).

I believe this incident would have etched such a deep scar in my mind if it wasn't for the fact of my inherent competitive streak where, in school, I, times and again, proved my worth and put in extra effort to stay ahead. It could be called a casual covering of insecurities or maybe surfacing the shadows of my soul, no matter what the idea behind it might be, I'll accept the opinion from a nihilist approach.

But somehow, something synonymous with her face appears in my dreams where I get lost in darkness and I regardless of my gut telling me otherwise, I end up taking decisions leading me towards her. Despite the romanticism of these lines, it's a horror to relive losses like this. Did it arise out of my insecurities?

A person who knows me in person, would not dream of associating the word 'insecurity' with my existence but much ado about nothing. There's more to stories that can often be revealed.

 


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